Friday, March 6, 2009

Ban Ki-moon Invokes ‘Magic Word’ Policy on Darfur

More bad news comes out of the Darfur region of Sudan today as President Omar al-Bashir expels humanitarian aid givers from the area. Bashir has now ensured that an already tenuous situation will remain so as he refuses to work with the United Nations and other international organizations who in the very least are trying to give some sustenance to millions of displaces refugees.

UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon, responded aggressively to the situation. The prospect of human suffering is now as acute as it has ever been for the citizens of Darfur

"Bashir has defied us on almost every hand,” explained the angry Security General. "Even when we have been allowed to bring in aid the ruling warlords have harassed aid-givers, stolen supplies, and openly defied the spirit of the UN. Well the UN is now prepared to invoke the ‘Magic Word’ policy. By this I mean we are going to ask ‘please.’ Please let us send aid-givers back in to the region.”

President Bashir, who this morning expelled aid-givers with a brash and cocky demeanor, was notably shaken by the course of action outlined by the UN as he met with military officials outside his compound.

A sullen Bashir mounted the podium this afternoon to address the few media outlets with outposts in the area.

“Wow. These guys mean business don’t they,” said Bashir. “Well, I was pretty serious this morning when I told them all to get out of here but with this new edict in place I am prepared to think about this before it escalates into something unfortunate.”

The whole incident was brought to pass today when the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for Bashir for myriad war crimes and other atrocities. The news prompted Bashir to expel humanitarian aid, which in turn prompted Ban Ki-moon to invoke the ‘Magic Word’ policy. While the situation has evolved into a stalemate, the UN is confident that Bashir will not refuse to comply with such a forceful display of power.

“Power only responds to power,” said Addis Mtuboto of the office of the Secretary General. “We have laid our cards on the table and called Bashir’s bluff. He’ll roll over and die just like that convoy of ours he attacked last week.”

Meanwhile the ICC has taken a page out of the UN’s playbook by formally asking Bashir if they could, ”please issue a warrant for [his] arrest.” This will be followed up with “please may we try you for war crimes,” and finally, “please may we imprison you forever in the Hague.”

Representatives from the five permanent members of the UN Security Council issued the following statement: “Moon did what? Hmmm…Maybe NATO could handle this.”

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Nation’s Top Macro-Economist Suggest Stimulus of Cheese

Debates about the nation’s frail economy and the feasibility of already passed measures to help the nation turn the economic tide have the Obama administration scrambling to consider further options. The President and the Secretary of the Treasury, Tim Geithner, have been hosting many of the nation’s key economists in order to sort out and make predictions about the economy and measures enacted to correct it. While the President has not made any changes to laws and budgets already proposed, he has been attentive to the ongoing exchanges behind closed doors.

Brennan Colter, of Stanford University’s Department of Economics, has been the most vocal about enacting new policies to put the economy back on track. Colter is considered to be one of the nation’s leading macro-economists and has written several books on macro-economic theory. Colter has, in these last few meetings, been emphatically calling for substantial influxes of cheese to the nation’s economy.

“Look, I am not supposed to go into details about these meetings,” said Colter, “but one thing a macro-economist knows is that cheese is usually the best. I mean, you can use cream of mushroom of soup and some ground beef but that will only get you so far. We have to stick with what works, now is not the time to experiment with untried recipes.”

Colter has been met with severe criticism of his idea that cheese will somehow by itself turn around the sluggish economy. Most of his opposition has come from economists in the micro-economic field.

“Cheese is good yeah,” said Irwin Horton of Tulane, “but it does not re-heat very well. We can’t rely on cheese alone; the macro-economy has to consider micro-economic necessities.”

Brian Porterhouse, of Duke University, has also been critical of Colter’s assessment. “These Stanford guys just think you can throw something in for one minute on high and everything will come out perfect,” said Porterhouse. “A good micro-economist knows that you have to use all the buttons. Some things need to defrost and sometimes you need to set it on medium for a little longer. Don’t give me all this talk about cheese, even though that is my favorite macro-economic discipline.”

The President’s Press Secretary, Roger Gibbs, was asked today during a scheduled briefing how the talks were going and though he refused to go into details he did make mention of the subject.

“The President has listened very carefully to every school of thought,” said Gibbs. “We have already included an ample amount of cheese in the original stimulus bill signed into law. The President will have to consider whether the current amount of cheese is definitive or if the cream of ‘whatever’ school has any usefulness. We will have more on this down the road.”

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Ted Kennedy to be knighted by Queen of England; Senator Orrin Hatch expected to write commemoration hymn

During his visit to the United States this week, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that Senator Ted Kennedy would be receiving an honorary knighthood from the British Crown for his years of knight-worthy service in the United States. Despite the bestowal being wholly unconstitutional under Article I, Section 9 of the U.S. Constitution, Kennedy is expected to accept this prestigious award without any anticipated objection from ranking D.C. officials.

Kennedy was ecstatic about the news, and appeared to be celebrating with a bottle of 27-year-old Scotch.

“Oh, actually, I’ve been working on this bottle for a few days now,” the venerable Senator told reporters, “but now that I actually have something to drink to, I think I may break out another two bottles.”

Among the members of Congress joining in the jubilation was Utah Senator Orrin Hatch, a longtime friend of the Massachusetts legislator and one who has written a number of songs and hymns in honor of Kennedy. Senator Hatch informed other reporters that he began composing a tune in his to commemorate the event as soon as Prime Minister Brown had finished his speech.

“Can I tell you that I just love that man,” an exuberant Hatch said. “I love him, I love him, I love him! And it is such a joy to be able to relish this moment with him in person. I now have the honor… no, no I have the DUTY to compose a musical memorial for him. I’ve actually got a few lines already—keep in mind, this is just a rough draft of sorts, but it’s a start. It goes to the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of this portly Kennedy
As he trampled on the mem’ries of that chick named Kopechne
He hath loosed his pants from getting fat off tax-paid salaries
This windbag marches on…

“Of course,” Hatch continued, “the real version will be much kinder to the Senator and his illustrious career, but it’s hard to get all those good memories to rhyme on such short notice. I’ll keep working on it.”

Some D.C. Outsiders are a bit disturbed by the knighthood being given to Kennedy, but were pacified when officials from Westminster Abbey announced that Elijah Wood was to be knighted next month in honor of his diligent victory over Mordor.

First Dog owes hundreds of thousands in back taxes

In what has become a long string of continued disappointment and embarrassment for the President, it was revealed on Thursday that the First Dog owes the IRS a whopping $347,000 in unpaid taxes. This becomes the fifth member of Obama’s coterie to announce a history of problems with taxes. Although the details on how the Portuguese Water Dog was able to amass such an overwhelming debt to the IRS, it has been alleged that the mutt’s affinity for Beggin’ Strips and collector edition Marmaduke comics caused him to get behind on his payments.

“This is certainly a terrible blow,” the President said on Thursday, rubbing his forehead in obvious frustration. “It is very concerning to me that our vetting process could have so many holes in it. I mean, we are very thorough in our investigations, and it pains me to know that we put this pup through hell only to find out later that he was withholding pertinent information on the matter after we’d adopted him. But what can I do more than say 'BAD DOG!'? It’s a terrible shame.”

The Obamas are now uncertain how to move forward. Past administration picks with unresolved tax-issues were given the option of holding a resignation press conference to help clear the Obama name while taking full responsibility for the matter upon themselves. Yet with the hound, no such conference will be possible. One senior advisor has encouraged the President to disavow the indebted pooch and send him to a D.C. dog pound. But 7-year-old daughter Sasha will never allow that.

“I don’t understand why all the grown-ups are upset about this,” the innocent Obama girl said while scratching the family dog’s ears. “I mean, I hear mommy and daddy talking all the time about helping out the stupid people who made dumb money decisions. Why can’t they help our dog, too?”

The matter remains unresolved, but there are rumors that the President met secretly with Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to work on a deal that would expunge the debt owed by the pup.

“I’m a bit fuzzy on the details,” a White House insider—who wished to have his identity withheld—told reporters, “but there was some talk about sacking Brad Anderson and the entire Marmaduke franchise, which makes sense because I’ve heard Geithner passionately voice his hate for the Great Dane. He’s been looking for a way to ban the comic for years, so with the First Dog being in this much trouble, Geithner now has the opportunity he needs. Plus, the move will help cure the pup’s addiction to the comic strip. I’d expect an executive order any day now that calls for the head of Marmaduke.”

More details on this story as it develops.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

New species of seagull discovered in Walmart parking lot

Scientists in Oklahoma announced today the discovery of a new species of seagull found in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The now-famous gull has been hanging around the area and harassing customers at the Broken Arrow Superstore for many months, but it was not until a close encounter with Ethan Mayfair, of the Oklahoma Department of Fish and Game, that it was noticed the bird was not the same as other gulls found in the state.

“This bird swooped down on me and stole my frozen shrimp as I was leaving the store a week ago,” said Mayfair. “I got a real good look at him and I noticed that he was special. I called a professor buddy of mine over at Oklahoma State and had him come down to take a look.”

This Parking Lot Gull, as the species is being informally named, is indeed different from other gulls, especially in the feet. While most gulls have flat, broad feet, the Parking Lot Gull’s feet show distinct toes. Also, the newfound gull has furrowed eyebrows that give it a menacing and angry look.

Percy Wainwright, emeritus professor of biology at OSU who was called to investigate the gull at Mayfair’s request, explains that the gull is a prime example of Darwinistic evolutionary theories. “This new species has evolved in a way to survive in the ultra competitive world of superstore mayhem. Its toes allow it to claw grocery bag carriers into submission and with those same toes it can nab its target. Also, evolution has given the gull an angry visage and the bird is capable accomplishing its design by simply looking at you.”

Many shoppers at the Broken Arrow Wal-Mart suggest that the Parking Lot Gull can distinguish between customers carrying peanut butter and customers carrying a more coveted box of fish sticks. “I saw this thing overturn a metal trash receptacle filled to the brim with garbage,” said local shopper, Morgan Asletrin. “It was an awe-inspiring site to see this majestic bird rip through plastic containers and other debris before it started choking on a packet of ketchup.”

It is unknown how many more of the species are currently living in Oklahoma and throughout the world, but attempts to identify similar gulls are already being undertaken across the nation. Though the bird is newly discovered, the WWF is already pushing paperwork to list the species as endangered, which would give the gull federal protection.

Despite other options in town, many residents are shopping at the superstore just for a chance to catch a glimpse of the Parking Lot Gull. Lucy Phillips said that despite the nasty scratch her daughter received from the gull it is still comforting to be close to nature and see its miracle. But others in town are not so sympathetic.

“It’s a big ugly seagull just like any other big ugly seagull,” said Nathan Best. “My only care about the species is when and where I will be allowed to hunt it. Also, it stole my antennae ball.”

Monday, March 2, 2009

Keanu Reeves hired as colloquial interpreter for Defense Secretary Robert Gates

In a press conference on Monday, U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates described the nation of Pakistan as “most worrisome.” Aware of the reporters’ reaction to his odd choice of words to describe the nation that poses the biggest threat to the Afghanistan theater, Gates clarified his rather “hip” description.

“President Obama has asked that I be fully invested in his efforts to create more transparency,” the Defense secretary explained. “Apparently, John Q. Citizen is not versed in the quotidian vernacular of the world of defense. For whatever reason, when I announce that Pakistan’s newfangled activities have compelled us to elevate our threat level to ORANGE, it means nothing to the average Joe. Ergo, the President has forfended the subsequent use of my loquacious erudition in matters of defense reporting. As such, I have employed the vulgar craft of Keanu Reeves to assist in the interpretation of our view of international threats.”

Mr. Reeves has already done much to help “dumb-down” the confusing defense reports. In addition to proof-reading and editing Mr. Gates’ speeches, Reeves has also created a website with current information regarding our threat-assessment levels for sovereign nations.

“Robbie and I sat down last week and created a whole new way to describe the world abroad,” Reeves told reporters. “For example, Cuba used to be an ORANGE threat, but with Castro’s bad health, it went down to YELLOW. Still doesn’t mean anything to you and me, so we now describe Cuba as ‘most uninteresting.’”

Reeves revealed that in place of a color-system, the communication to regular citizens would be based on adjectives that can describe in a quick snapshot how Americans should treat and react to anyone from these different countries. When asked if he could disclose the whole list to us, Reeves paused and looked around.

“Um… Robbie didn’t really say, but I guess I could give you some of them.” After logging onto the site, Reeves read off a few of his favorites:

Pakistan: most worrisome
Cuba: most uninteresting
Afghanistan: most triumphant
Iraq: most un-triumphant
Zimbabwe: most WTF?!?
Somalia: most piratey
Russia: most aggravating
Korea: most un-intimidating
Iran: most anti-Semitic
Australia: most excellent
China: most bodacious

Most reporters were thrilled with the new assessment strategy for the lay citizen, yet one was very upset that China was given a “most bodacious” description, which seemed too positive for the very real threat that they pose to the U.S.

“Oh, believe me, Robbie and I fought over this one for an hour,” Reeves clarified. “But in the end, he couldn’t get past my sound argument in favor of the ‘most bodacious’ attribution. What was my argument? Simple: they know Kung-Fu. Friggin’ bodacious, if you ask me.”