Thursday, March 12, 2009

New Health Bill to Limit Drug Prescriptions to Patients Who Blogvertise

Pharmaceutical capitalists moved today to ensure that their evil empire will endure through the new health care plans being discussed within Congress and the White House. Through an endless campaign of lobbying and simple bribes the drug companies have pieced together congressional support for a bill that will only discount medications to those who peddle prescription drugs using The proposed bill would require patients seeking relief via prescription drugs to manage a blog whereby they write about the wonders, benefits, and general greatness of various prescription drugs. Guidance about which drugs to glorify would be provided through Once blog posts are deemed satisfactory by the website’s administrators, patients would become eligible for discounts to their needed medication.

This power play by the industry puts drug companies back in the driver’s seat and salvages any advantages that may have been put into jeopardy through health care nationalization.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Department of Education Proposes Change from ‘No Child Left Behind’ to ’Fifty-Eight Children Left Behind’

An effort to reconstruct the nation’s education system is underway and the Department of Education has been piecing together proposals to submit to the President by Thursday. The Department of Education is responsible for the President’s campaign initiative to create a more favorable and competitive education curriculum. The challenges are quite real and the Department seems to be learning that a lot of compromise will have to take place between competing ventures.

Part of the planned proposal will scale back on the optimism of the ‘No Child Left Behind Act’ and replace it with the ‘Fifty-Eight Children Left Behind Act.’ Michelle Norton, a staff member with the Department of Education, has been heading up this initiative and thinks that leaving behind fifty-eight children is both necessary and fiscally responsible.

“We just have to leave some children behind,” said Norton. “Specifically, we need to leave fifty-eight of them behind. The budget does not work out any other way. This initiative is a step towards a robust national education program that will be among the best in the Americas.”

Speculation about how these fifty-eight will be selected has been rampant within parenting groups and educational tabloids. Many are suggesting that this program will target typically Republican families in an effort to reduce the number of educated Republicans. Others think that selections should be made based upon which parents are addicted to watching ‘Wife Swap.’

Jody Mayfair, an elementary teacher in Omaha, Nebraska, wishes the federal government would stick with the current method of rubberstamping everything at all times no matter the reason. Mayfair thinks that the busywork of a competent teaching curriculum will really hamper the childrens’ self esteem. The current way of doing things doesn’t allow children to realize that they are stupid and in that way they are not left behind.

The ‘Fifty-Eight Children Left Behind Act’ is also said to be coupled with the ‘Big Bird Left Behind Act.’ Sesame Street, which has long received federal educational funding, is being asked to cut down on labor costs by letting Big Bird go.

“The cost of subsidizing such an ostentatious bird is enormous,” says Michelle Norton. “We can really get to the meat and potatoes of the show when he is gone. Big bird would still be allowed in print media, mind you, but he would have to leave the show in order to make ends meet.”

A “Who Killed Big Bird?” episode is said to already be in the works.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Former Child Star Knut Now Heavy into Drugs and Alcohol

Knut, the former child star polar bear cub who gained worldwide renown when he burst onto the scene in early 2007, is facing some very difficult times as he reaches adolescence. Photos released this morning by an undisclosed German photographer seemingly show the bear partaking of illegal substances while also consorting with the zoo’s rough and tumble dingo crowd. This comes as a shock to millions of supporters around the world who cheered the cub on and helped launch the bear to greatness only a few years ago.

Little Heidi Schuster remembers seeing the cub frolic and play in his pen on the day he was unveiled to the public.

“He was so cute. He gave me such hope,” said Heidi between sobs. “How could this be? I have posters of him all over my room. I feel so confused. Doesn’t he know what he means to me? He should have stayed away from those dingoes”

The listless bear has made fewer and fewer public appearances over the past several months and when he does venture outside he is simply unanimated. The new Knut is a far cry from the one the world fell love with and this simple fact has ruffled many feathers.

“This bear has an obligation to the public that made him who he is,” said Marcus Stahl, a frequent visitor to the Berlin Zoo. “This is a personal affront to all of us who bought his T-shirts and wear his cologne.”

“Well this is just so typical,” said Karoline Kleine. “You find something you can love and it turns into a farce. Well I am just going to stay home and watch re-runs of Hogan’s Heroes from now on.”

Despite the belligerent reaction from many of his fans others have been a little more understanding. Mikel Ulrich, of Potsdam, points out that the bear has already had to face more than most of us will in a lifetime.

“I mean, the bear was abandoned by his mother right at birth,” Ulrich explains, “and then his twin brother goes and dies a few days later. He was raised by zookeepers who, I have heard, are very fond of rum. He is launched into stardom at a very young age without any preparation on how to handle his fame and now you want to crucify him for getting into a little trouble.”

Some have begun to suggest that Knut would benefit from a temporary reassignment to a calmer zoo such as Oslo or Copenhagen, but the curator in Berlin says the bear is not going anywhere.

“Look, the kid made a mistake,” said zoo curator, Jens Steinbach. “He is scheduled to hold a press conference on Friday and he has already issued an apology on his website. We are confident in Knut’s ability to continue to bring millions of Euros to the zoo.”

Knut has not made a public appearance since the photos were made available and the zoo has refused to say whether or not the bear is in zoo’s detoxification clinic.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Computer model predicts U.S. collapse, followed by Palin-led takeover of Moscow

Professor Igor Panarin of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs told the Associated Press last week that he has strong evidence showing the imminent collapse of the United States by 2010. Using a highly sophisticated computer program that simulates the future of existing governments based on history, economics and the rotation of the earth, the state-sponsored pundit explained that the U.S. of A. can in no way sustain itself for long, and that it would collapse and break into six smaller sub-nations, each to be ruled by a foreign government.

“It’s hard to dispute what the computer spells out,” Panarin told reporters. “I’ve been using this program to gamble on the Australian cricket circuit for months, and I haven’t lost yet. It is clear that the U.S. will collapse, and I expect that Mother Russia and China will become the new international superpowers.”

Panarin went further to explain that the ensuing lawlessness of the collapse would necessitate a Russian intervention in regions of strategic interest, mainly Alaska.

“The land that Seward purchased so many years ago will be brought back into Russian hands, and this is a good thing, for two reasons. One, we Russians actually make good use of our oil reserves, so ANWAR will finally service the international community by providing much needed fuel. Reason number two, Putin has been wanting to hunt Kodiak bear for decades, but your laws have prohibited this. After we take over, he can have a much needed hunting vacation.”

The results of the computer model caused many reporters to be in a mild state of panic, and several U.S. news personnel pressed Panarin harder for more information on what he thought would happen after the collapse.

“Well,” Panarin told the group of American reporters after stepping away from the main group, “there is something in the model that brings hope to the American people. Mind you, this analysis is a bit fuzzy because it is based on the U.S. collapse—which hasn’t happened yet. But it would seem that the computer expects the Russian advance on Alaska to end at the town of Wasilla, where it will be met with fierce resistance from the Palin family. The computer shows that not only will Sarah Palin and family thwart any further advance by Russian troops, but also that her brood will push them all the way back to Moscow, where the Russian government will likely surrender to her.”

Reporters quickly relayed this news to the Alaskan governor, asking if she felt that this were at all a possibility.

“You betcha,” Palin responded.