Thursday, March 19, 2009

Embarrassed White House Chef Borrows Eggs from Neighbors

A situation arose today at the White House when the culinary staff ran out of eggs and was unable to cook breakfast for Malia and Sasha Obama. The Obamas instituted a nonnegotiable house rule upon moving in that their children must be fed a proper breakfast before school each morning. This task was given to head cook Julian Miller and until this morning the chef had come through in spades for children.

Early this morning as Julian was taking inventory of food stocks the cook noticed that they had run out of eggs. With ‘scrambled eggs’ firmly embedded in the menu the chef met the children in the hallway and asked if they wanted waffles instead.

“The kids had been looking forward to scrambled eggs but they agreed to waffles instead,” said Julian. “It was only moments later that I remembered that waffles require eggs too.”

At this point, Julian made a mad dash down Pennsylvania Avenue to the first set of apartments he came to. Megan Wright, who resides in apartment #114, answered the door.

“I was just getting ready to leave for the morning when this crazy chef starts banging on my door,” explained Wright. “He demanded that I hand over 6 eggs under order of the White House Culinary Staff. It figures after all the taxes I pay they would come after my eggs too. I bet they won’t even let me write this off.”

With eggs in tow, Julian made it back to the kitchens just in time to send the kids off to school with a breakfast of hot waffles. But the mishap did not go unnoticed by President Obama.

The President, who is a fan of scrambled eggs, always comes to breakfast early on mornings when they are on the menu. When the President was served waffles in their place he pursued the matter further.

“Yeah, I got a bit of a reprimand,” admitted Julian. “The President reminded me that the new stimulus package allocated $84 million for eggs in the White House, and that running out was simply unconscionable.”

The President also feels that the $16.2 million invested in obtaining the perfect scrambled egg recipe was put to waste by Julian. At a time when CEO’s across the country are being grilled for their improper use of government issued bailout funds the President can ill afford to have such a scandal arise in his own house.

Tomorrow’s breakfast menu calls for quiche and it is unknown whether Julian has gotten any more eggs.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

New York Area Charity Offering Donators A Chance to Punch Madoff Square in the Nuts

New York City charity, ‘The Gift of Punch’, reported record earnings this week as they unveiled a new charity drive to help hundreds of individuals who have been scammed out of their life savings. The charity wishes to collect donations from individuals all over the world in order to give what little assistance they can to investors who got caught up in Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. Madoff has recently pled guilty to running a fraudulent investment company which swindled millions of dollars from unwitting investors.

Donators who contribute to the charity are rewarded with feelings of kindness knowing they have been able to help out those who have fallen on hard times. In addition to this warmth of spirit, donators will get a chance to punch Madoff in the nuts.

Charity founder, Abbey Ingvar, is overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of the people of the world.

“I knew we had a good idea when we thought to collect money for these people who lost all their savings,” said Ingvar, “and I was thrilled when the NYC courts allowed us to raise this money by offering a chance to nut-punch Mr. Madoff.”

Since that announcement was made thousands from all over the globe have been giving freely of their money to the cause.

Marty Schuler, of Mobile, Alabama, said he sent $200 dollars to the cause and then spent another $250 on plane tickets to New York City. He has also convinced his cousin to join the effort.

“This here is a once in a lifetime opportunity,” said Schuler. “Who knows when the chance to pay good money to a helpin’ cause will come up again? I ain’t never punched nobody in their nuts before. Well, I mean, I never paid to do it”

Ingvar says that the response has been so overwhelming that she has had to look for a larger venue to host the event.

I was originally just going to have these people come to the jail and punch him there” explained Ingvar, “but the jail is starting to get worried about hosting so many people with visitor passes. I have already spoken with Madison Square Garden and it looks like we may be able to do it at halftime of the upcoming Knicks-Pistons game.”

TNT, who is scheduled to televise the game, is over-the-moon at the prospect of landing such a fantastic halftime event. TNT basketball analyst, Charles Barkley, has already made the necessary nut-punching contribution to ‘The Gift of Punch’ and will be interviewed about the strategy behind a good punch to the nuts just prior to doing the deed.

Speedo has joined the event by offering to outfit the swindling Madoff in its newest line of revealing swimwear. BMW is trying to gain clarification on the definition of a “punch,” and wants to get clearance to drive a brand new BMW 2009 G650GS into Madoff’s privates.

Ingvar admits that she was not prepared for the type of response the charity has generated and she is already working on a new event involving former NY governor, Eliot Spitzer.

Monday, March 16, 2009

George Lucas to be grilled over “Space Junk”

After a bullet-sized piece of space debris came within a dangerously close 3 miles of the International Space Station, astronauts are bracing themselves again for an oncoming scrap that might could possibly collide with their vessel.

“It has us quite panicked,” spaceman Yury Lonchakov told reporters. “Although the tiny piece of debris won’t be within range for nearly 24 hours, maneuvering this craft requires the approval of a multi-lateral panel consisting of American and Russian scientists, politicians and bureaucrats, and you and I both know they won’t come to a decision within that time frame.”

Concerned for the safety of the cosmonauts, U.S. lawmakers have investigated where all this “space junk” is coming from and have determined that the majority of the metallic scraps floating in our immediate area of the universe came from the detonation of the first Death Star. As a result, Senator Barbara Boxman, Chairwoman of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works, has subpoenaed filmmaker George Lucas to a Senate hearing, where she plans to grill him on his questionable environmental practices during the cleanup phase of his hit movie Star Wars: A New Hope.

“Director George Lucas obviously was a bit careless when detonating the Death Star,” Senator Boxman said in a statement issued Monday. “Although the opening credits misleadingly tell us that the events depicted in the film took place ‘far, far away,’ the debris hammering our planet from the demolished Imperial behemoth is proof that things were happening closer than we thought.”

Lucas was aghast when he learned of the hearing, and tried to explain his side of the story to the media circus that had formed outside his Skywalker Ranch.

“Look, when we were filming A New Hope, Carter was president,” Lucas explained, “and we had all sorts of government oversight to ensure that our demolitions fell within regulated guidelines. We complied with all environmental parameters, so just because we know how to do better Death Star explosions now doesn’t mean I should be punished for doing the best I could back then.”

But Senator Boxman doesn’t buy it. “I’ve seen the movies,” she told CNN reporters. “The original Death Star explosion shows a really sloppy ka-boom, the kind that leaves a mess that nobody can clean up. And then in the re-make, the explosion looks efficient and thorough, as if everything was vaporized. My question to Lucas is: why the cover up?”

NASA officials aren’t really interested in whether or not Lucas is at fault for the large amounts of space junk afloat due to the Star Wars movies, but they do care to track other eventual fallout from other demolitions in the trilogy.

“It’s only a matter of time before we get hit by rocks from Alderaan, garbage from Star Destroyer dumps, and even more exploded material from the second Death Star,” NASA spokesperson Bruce Buckingham warned.

The subpoena has prohibited Lucas from creating any more movies until the hearing has been resolved, to which movie critics, film writers and average movie-goers cheered jubilantly.

“So this is how good science fiction dies,” Lucas commented on his way to Washington D.C. “With thunderous applause.”