Friday, April 3, 2009

Abject Failure of Capitalism Traced to Invention of ‘Squeeze Bacon’

Anti-capitalist protesters outside the G-20 in London this week fought with police in the streets as they used loudspeakers to discredit capitalist world leaders and economies across the globe. The rally takes place in the face of global leaders who for many years have been pulling at the threads of capitalism and undermining the economic systems of the industrial revolution and the most prosperous nations on the globe.

The current downturn of the world’s economy comes at a time when many across the globe think that capitalism is broken and should be replaced with more rigid socio-economic programs in order to right the ship. The current ill-will of the world’s attitude towards capitalism seems to coincide with the invention of “Squeeze Bacon.” Though the product its self has been around since around WWII, its recent global march has caused panic, amazement, and sheer terror across the world’s capitalist populations.

Protester, Mary Abbot, said that she was raised on the benefits of the capitalistic system but has since left the fold.

“I saw an advert for Squeeze Bacon about six months ago,” says Abbot, “and in that instant I gave up both capitalism and meat. By their fruits shall ye know them. Any economic system that develops squeezable bacon is clearly in tatters. How could it have come to this?”

Bertrand Duluth is also an anti-capitalist protester taking part in the week’s activities. Duluth says that about 85% of those at the rally can pinpoint their falling out with capitalism to Squeeze Bacon.

“I don’t really like to talk about it,” says Duluth. “It puts me in a very uncomfortable place. I am here to spare future generations the despicable horror of the fruits of capitalism. I mean, come on.”

While many here have their own testimonials about their confrontations with Squeeze Bacon, others say they abandoned capitalism long ago.

Terry Patrick, of Atlanta, says he lost his appetite for capitalism when the Noid starred in his own video game back in the 90’s.

“Once commercials become video games you know you have to get out,” says Patrick. "It’s the same with 7-Up’s Spot. He had one too. You only need to open a ‘Sky Mall’ magazine to understand the ridiculousness of capitalism. Can we please move on now?”

The Squeeze Bacon camp has not been able to find a suitable defense spokesman as all who apply for the position are extremely fat and hideous.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

President Obama Spouts Heavy Southpaw Rhetoric at G-20 Summit

The much anticipated G-20 summit got off to an unexpected start as President Obama began to push an unanticipated agenda among world leaders. The dire situation of the global economy, the current concerns over global warming, and developing worries about nuclear proliferation all took a back seat to the President’s heavy handed, almost militant, approach to absolving the problems facing the worlds left-handers.

Obama kept his early appointments with Russian and Chinese officials but immediately ruffled feathers when he refused to shake the right hands of foreign dignitaries and instead waited until he was offered the left hand. Chinese President, Hu Jintao’s, brow was clearly furled during the handshake causing a flurry of camera flashes to light up the hallways of Buckingham palace.

President Obama’s staff issued a short memo to the Russian and Chinese delegations before their scheduled meetings which read: “A new world order is at hand (the left hand to be exact). The previous stifling oppression of the ‘righties’ will now come to naught as I and I alone lead this world to a left-handed conquest. I expect the full cooperation of your heads of state as we begin this summit.”

Russian President, Dmitry Medvedev, kept trying to turn the conversation away from President Obama’s incessant left-handed tirade once the parties finally sat down for discussions, but to little avail. This became most apparent when the Russian President brought up the subject of Georgia:

“So, what about Georgia then?” asked Medvedev. “We did some crazy stuff down in Georgia a few months back, no?”

“We are currently supplying Georgia with a left-handed arsenal," replied Obama, “You will be defeated within weeks.”

“Okay… well, do you have any thoughts about, like, nuclear weapons limitations or something?” asked Medvedev.

To which Obama responded, “Yeah, here is a thought. We make all our nukes with the left hand now and they are superior to your right-handed, fire cracker nukes in every way.”

At this point Medvedev turned to his secretary and whispered in Russian, “Let’s get as much of our best vodka into this man as soon as possible.”

Wind of the new direction the US President is trying to lead the world reached German Chancellor, Angel Merkel, before her scheduled sit-down with the President. Merkel is prepared to hammer out her undisguised right-handed agenda with Obama and says she will not take any guff from the newly elected leader even if it means dragging Michelle Obama (who is clearly right-handed) into the fray.

“Yeah, the President requested only left-handed notepads be available at our meeting,” said a clearly agitated Merkel. “Well this is Germany you’re dealing with my friends! We wrote the book on non-sensical political profiling. He and his left-handed economic stimulus will dart out of here with his tail between his legs, you’ll see.”

No word yet on whether pro-left hand protests in London were assembled upon the President’s request.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

G-20 Protests turn out to be organized April Fool’s joke

London police breathed a sigh of relief yesterday. After weeks of preparing for what was expected to be a violent outbreak of protests surrounding the G-20 Summit, security forces learned early on that the protesters were merely a large group of organized pranksters hoping to get some air time on the news and possibly get more hits on their YouTube channel.

“We had basically been training for minor urban warfare,” London Police Chief Nigel Whitaker told reporters. “But when we arrived at the first outbreak just outside of the Bank of England, we saw that most signs had messages like ‘CAPITALISM ISN’T WORKING’ or displayed those anarchy ‘A’ symbols. That’s when we knew it was a joke. I mean, we haven’t been using capitalism for nearly a century, so there’s no way these folks were actually protesting capitalism.”

The protesters/pranksters did indeed seem to be mocking the fact that European leaders have been meeting behind closed doors for decades in attempts to manipulate economics and markets through legislation, regulation and intervention—all the while claiming to advocate a free market system. The citizens, it would seem, have not been fooled.

“Oh please,” scoffed Edmund Harris, who headed one of the larger protest groups, “we know we’ve got full-fledged socialism here. That’s why all this anti-Capitalism junk is so funny. And we were thrilled to see that news of our little demonstration caused the police to come out of the wood works, dressed in full riot gear and looking like they were ready to crush its citizens. How’s that for a big brother state, eh? Yeah, we all had a good laugh with them about it. They sure were scared!”

A few of the protesters, however, were under the impression that there was actually going to be a revolution of some sort, and were quite miffed when the whole thing turned out to be an April Fool’s prank.

“A couple of us watched ‘V for Vendetta’ and ‘Equilibrium’ last night to prepare ourselves for an epic battle against the state,” a disappointed Norman Peck revealed. “We even went out and bought those Guy Fawkes masks to look the part. Now everyone—protester and policeman alike—is hanging out at Finnegan’s and drinking Guinness. What a waste.”

Leaders at the G-20 summit were informed that the anticipated violence turned out to be pure chicanery. None of the heads of state seemed to care about the information.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Deal Reached on Contract for 2009 Hurricane Season

The National Weather Service announced this morning that a contract for the 2009 hurricane season has been reached with the Atlantic Ocean. The deal comes after months of negotiations following the conclusion of the 2008 season and endless haggling over the United State’s economic capability of handling a devastating season. With a contract now in place for 2009, the NWS can now focus on taking some of the guesswork out of the intangibles of the deal.

The contract gives the Atlantic Ocean the right to generate 19 tropical storms/hurricanes from its waters, up two from 2008. Of these 19 storms only 5 are allowed to make landfall over US soil, down one from last year. Contract negotiations worked out a lower landfall total for the US but gave the Atlantic Ocean discretion over the intensity of the storms that reach land.

“Our job now is to figure out how the Atlantic is going to play its hand,” said Judd Pendergrast, of the National Weathers Service’s Miami office. “We certainly know that it likes to play ball in Florida but we need to game plan other areas of the US as well. Also, the contract extends the 2009 season by a week over last year which changes the dynamic we operate under.”

The NWS took over hurricane negotiations after the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration opened the doors for the Atlantic to unleash hurricane Katrina in 2005. While the NOAA has maintained that negotiating with the Atlantic Ocean is not an exact science, it also concedes that their 2005 contract should not have included “levee buster” incentives for the Atlantic that year.

Much of this year’s negotiations hinged on the United State’s ability to financially withstand a devastating season and the Obama administration made the Atlantic perfectly clear that devastation would not be permissible in blue-states. Florida, a former red-state turned blue went a long way towards securing the Presidency for Obama and the President has used his clout to negotiate favorable terms for the Sunshine State this year.

Merman King Triton has been the Atlantic Ocean’s representative for these talks and he admits that he has not of yet been fully able to feel out the President.

“Yeah, I am not sure how hard I can push this time,” said Triton. “I mean, I know the man can walk on water and that doesn’t bode well for our side. It might not be a good idea to test him just yet. But we have serious plans to relocate San Padre Island to Nebraska and I plan on seeing that through. It’s just a process, that’s all.”

Monday, March 30, 2009

GM to be bought out by East German auto manufacturer

After a long string of difficulties and embarrassments, departing General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner announced that the struggling auto company has no choice but to sell the Detroit-born firm to East German auto maker HQM Sachsenring. Despite hefty bailouts, management changes, and even belittling commercials starring ex-football star Howie Long, GM just wasn’t able to make themselves profitable enough to keep the business running, and it was only a matter of time before someone showed up with the right purchase price.

“I don’t know what more I can tell you about it,” a frustrated Rick Wagoner told media personnel. “We ran out of bailout money rather quickly by investing almost all of it into researching the profitability of adding wood paneling to the Silverado. That didn’t pan out like we hoped. So we’re broke, and HQM offered to buy the business, and get this mess off of our hands. And thank heavens they came when they did. I can’t handle Congress calling me names anymore.”

HQM Sachsenring (formerly VEB Sachsenring), is most famous for manufacturing the now iconic Trabant during the 60’s in communist East Germany. The car was largely considered a joke by western standards, although the vehicle has seen a surge in popularity in the last few years as Soviet-era symbols have become trendy for younger consumers who like to use capitalism to show their disdain for capitalism.

“This is a very exciting time for us,” said Volker Hess, spokesman for HQM Sachsenring. “The cult-like following our Trabant has gained along with poor economic conditions in Detroit has poised us for unprecedented success in the global market.”

Many critics are saying that the purchase by a foreign company is only delaying the inevitable, and that it will do nothing to help the Detroit industry to stay afloat.

“I wholeheartedly disagree with this sentiment,” Hess said in response to the criticisms. “We are the perfect company to lead Detroit out of this situation. First of all, we have decades of proven success operating under an autocratic regime. This makes us ideal for running GM under the Obama administration. And secondly, we are used to living in some of the ugliest industrialized cities on the planet. In many ways, Detroit’s ugliness parallels that of our former communist metropolises, so we’ll feel right at home in the motor city.”

The full takeover of GM’s assets is set to occur in June.