Friday, April 10, 2009

Student publication incurs wrath of God, College Republicans

The LDS church and Brigham Young University are working hard to do some damage control on an innocent—yet horribly blasphemous—mistake that was printed in a recent edition of the Daily Universe, BYU’s student-run news publication. A copyeditor for the newspaper accidentally referred the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (one of the highest governing bodies of the church) as the Quorum of the Twelve Apostates.

Molly Mooreman (name changed in accordance with Utah Witness Protection Program guidelines), the student who made the gaffe, told reporters that she first tried to blame the error on hackers from the University of Utah. “They’re so ungodly anyway,” Mooreman said, “and I thought it would be an easy sell. But then I remembered the Honor Code and I confessed. It was such a terrible goof on my part.”

Although BYU was able to recover most of the printed copies, it was impossible to contain the mess and word spread like wildfire that the Lord’s University had flagrantly accused the Twelve of renouncing their faith. Chairman of BYU’s Communications Department, Brad Rawlins, said that new measures were being taken to ensure that mistakes like this will never happen again.

“Quite frankly, I’m amazed that this happened in the first place,” Rawlins said. “I mean, the Daily Universe has more oversight than China’s government-run media, and we censor just as much material as they do on a daily basis. So, the first thing we’re doing is replacing the words ‘Twelve Apostles’ with ‘Lord’s Anointed.’ At worst, the only spelling error we’ll get here is ‘Lord’s Annotated.’ Plus, we’ll be borrowing 50% of our text from other Church publications that have already printed, like Ensign and Friend.”

BYU spokesperson Carri Jenkins said that although the mistake was met with laughter and understanding from the highest authorities in the Church, punishments would still be handed out to prevent a repetition in the future.

“I don’t have the exact details,” Jenkins told the press, “but it looks like President Monson will be relegating Brad Rawlins to an eternal calling in the Nursery, and may have to be ward chorister as well.”

BYU’s College Republicans are also making themselves heard, asking for stronger punishments against the “liberal media.”

“We’ve known for quite some time that the Daily Universe was part of the evil liberal media cartel,” said Nephi Osmond, an active member of the BYUCR. “And this slander against our most holy leaders is proof. It’s just like Ann Coulter warned us: the Daily Universe and all its liberal editors are just plain godless.”

Osmond did admit, however, that the publication's gross error was doing good things for the free market economy, as rogue copies of the misprint are being sold for hundreds on eBay.

Fears that this mistake would lead to the demise of the newspaper in an already suffering print media industry were quickly assuaged when it was discovered that the error made the Daily Universe a nationally recognized publication for the first time since… ever.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

IOC catches city of Chicago using banned substance

In the midst of its vetting process to determine the host city for the 2016 Summer Games, the International Olympic Committee announced Wednesday that it has caught one of the leading contenders, the U.S. city of Chicago, using a banned substance. The incident will likely preclude the Windy City from being selected, leaving only three finalists left: Tokyo, Madrid and Rio de Janeiro.

IOC officials were conducting routine inspections of the metropolis when it was discovered that Chicago was not only in possession of unnatural growth-assisting agents, but was proactively using said agents. Immediate action was taken and the city was placed on a probationary status and will remain so until a full investigation can be undertaken.

“This is disappointing for all of us,” IOC President Jacques Rogge told the press, “especially since President Obama had sent me several emails via his Blackberry assuring me of Chicago’s integrity. I should have known better, considering the scum he vouched for in his cabinet.”

Rogge explained that banned growth substance in question was not a drug, but rather a chunk of U.S. federal stimulus money which had been personally earmarked by Illinois congressional members—under encouragement from President Obama—to beef up Chicago’s economy. Many are questioning the validity of economic provisions falling under the IOC’s “banned substances” category, but Rogge remained adamant it qualifies.

“The whole idea of banning growth-agents is that it gives athletes an unfair, unnatural advantage in competition,” Rogge said. “In this case, the city of Chicago received monies in order to bulk it up in competition to other municipalities. These funds were not naturally generated in Chicago, and are therefore considered outside substances. This is clearly a form of steroids.”

White House staff said that the president was extremely frustrated with this ruling, but is trying to stay positive and find ways to fight the IOC. He is planning on recording a new YouTube video to send to Jacques Rogge et al, this time with the help of Hollywood insider turned political staff member Kal Penn.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

President Obama Spends Entire Trans-Atlantic Flight Home in Air Force One Bathroom

Ending an eight-day trip to Europe, the President used some down time aboard Air Force One to recuperate from the effects of a week’s worth of foreign food. The culinary end of the trip started out in London where the President was subjugated to all manner of English delicacies unfit for human consumption. The kidney pie, in particular, made it difficult for the President to put much faith in anything else the Europeans tried to get him to eat.

White House spokesman, Devon Harrington, who accompanied the President on the trip, has been trying to prep the President for a speech he is to deliver upon arrival in the US but says the President is in severe need of his privacy for the moment.

“I think the blood sausage the President ate in Germany put a serious damper on a planned tirade against North Korea,” said Harrington. “The President was going to embark into a 45 minute speech after they launched their missile but decided a simple sound bite would suffice instead.”

French officials said the President vocally complained during dinner in their country.

“Oh, my English is not so good, huh?” said Oscar Deveraux, Secretary of French Internal Affairs. “But I heard him, plain as could be. He said ‘what’s the bloody deal with all these brussel sprouts.’ What, did he think we were going to heap french fries in his lap?”

The President did seem to enjoy France’s crème brulee but he seemed to have overstepped his bounds. The President stopped mid-sentence during an explanation of US/European agrarian agreements and pointed out that he did not know there was such a thing as too much crème brulee.

Harrington explained that on the fourth night of the trip the President sent him out for some peanut butter.

“I couldn’t find any peanut butter anywhere. All I could find was hazelnut spread. I ended up bringing back liver paste and rye bread after which the President physically assaulted me. I tried to assure him that it wasn’t that bad but after trying it I had to physically assault myself too.”

Near the end of the trip the President spoke with Irish foreign ministers and expressed his heartfelt sadness about the potato famine all those years ago. But then the President said the Irish could suffer an eternal red cabbage famine for all he cared and he would never change his opinion about it.

As the President boarded Air Force One this morning he thanked Europe for being such a grateful host. He then added: “I look forward to strengthening our relationships as we move towards the future. Maybe we could talk about it again some time over some pizza or something. Only I’ll bring the pizza because you guys have, like, corn and tuna fish on yours.”

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Jack Bauer to interrogate, torture Apennine fault lines

The tragic loss of life caused by the horrific earthquake that rattled central Italy on Monday has many asking, “Why?” Geologists and seismologists have been trying to answer this question for decades, and although they have made huge strides in understanding earthquakes and the behavior of fault lines, they have yet to discover any way to predict when seismic activity of such a destructive degree will occur. But after the devastation at L’Aquila, scientists and politicians were motivated to revamp their approach.

“We cannot allow such unpredictability to keep our citizens living in fear,” seismologist Giorgio Carrone announced at a press conference in Rome. “Therefore, we will be making a break from traditional scientific avenues and instead enlist the talents of Jack Bauer, the rogue American agent known for getting results.”

The Italian government has agreed to turn a blind eye to the methods that Jack Bauer will undoubtedly employ while “conversing” with the aggressive fault lines. Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said that he had always been against torture and had never seen any need to break from Geneva Convention protocol when dealing with a belligerent enemy, but he admitted that there also comes a time when rules must be broken.

“We need decisive action,” Berlusconi said. “I have seen how Bauer works. His techniques are atrocious—but they get the job done. A few years back, when Bush was still in office, he gave me seasons 1-6 of 24, and although I thought it was a terrible gift at first, I got hooked after I chose to watch season 1 instead of listening to a message from the Vatican. Bauer was amazing. And although I didn’t approve of how he treated his prisoners, I always felt that I might be able to call upon his services if Italy was ever in a pickle.”

Italy has empowered Bauer to do whatever it takes to extract information about future earthquakes in the region. It is hoped that the ex-CTU agent will be able to provide scientists with the exact dates for the next 25-50 years’ worth of seismic activity.

The government’s move has not come without resistance, however. Members from Italy’s chapter of Amnesty International have rallied to defend the rights of the Apennine faults, saying that both UN security and lawyers must be present during any interrogation procedures.

“We cannot allow this lawless torture to fall upon the Apennines,” said protester Vincente Domingo. “Not only is this an affront to acceptable human interaction with nature, it is likely to give us both faulty or inaccurate information as well as enrage the already irate fault lines and cause further destruction.”

It has been reported that Bauer is already making his way to the fault lines in his own manner, having knocked out customs agents at the Leonardo da Vinci - Fiumicino Airport and making his way on foot to the Apennine mountains.

“I had just stopped him for a routine customs check,” a wobbly customs agent told reporters. “And then he yelled, ‘Dammit, there’s no time!’ and karate chopped me in the neck.”

Bauer is expected to remain underground for the next hour or so until getting himself stuck and calling Chloe O’Brien for assistance.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Queen receives counseling after being “touched” by First Lady

Queen Elizabeth II is receiving psychiatric help after becoming a victim of what experts are calling “monarchial molestation.” The horrific incident occurred last week when the wife of the American President, Michelle Obama, unwittingly touched the small of the Queen’s back. Although the Queen did not seem to react initially to the violation of personal space, the psychological effects of being touched by “peasant hands” caused her to have a series of problems only days later.

Servants at Buckingham Palace found the Queen early Saturday morning on her bed, but things were noticeably different than normal. She was naked, curled up in the fetal position and there were distinct open sores on her back. On the floor were several bloodstained washcloths and the remains of about twenty bars of British-made Bronnley soap. One servant said he unmistakably heard the monarch murmuring, “Dirty… so dirty…”

“It was a horrific site,” said Beatrice Mosley, head of the Queen’s personal staff. “Many of us feared that she was on the brink of death.”

Staffers immediately called Scotland Yard and the Department of Health. Dr. Geoffrey Bates, a top mental health expert at the DH, was the first to arrive, and knew right away what had befallen the traumatized Queen.

“I had seen these symptoms before, albeit not to this degree,” Dr. Bates told the press. “This is monarchial molestation, or the act of non-royal blood touching royalty without solicitation. Frankly, I am furious that Buckingham officials did not call me at the moment the incident occurred. We could have prevented the Queen’s current condition had we known.”

Having been removed from the constitutional monarchy for nearly 240 years, many American citizens fail to remember that British Royalty see themselves as pure, divinely appointed figures. As such, it is emotionally and mentally disturbing for anyone from the vulgar masses to lay a finger on them. In British history, royal figures have gone to extremes such as dismemberment, bathing in acid and drinking unfiltered water from the Thames to rid themselves of the perceived filth with which they have been infected.

Video from the Obama’s visit to Buckingham show that Queen Elizabeth and Michelle Obama were enjoying a pleasant conversation, during the course of which the royal mother placed her hand on Mrs. Obama’s back. The near-fatal move happened as Mrs. Obama, following a natural reaction, returned the gesture and touched the Queen.

“I had no idea I wasn’t supposed to touch her,” Michelle Obama said through tears. “I feel terrible for putting her through this episode. I only wanted to show my affection.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown says he has enacted a plan to have the Queen appear in an upcoming Hollywood production. This would turn the Queen into a silver screen celebrity, a class of people that the “average American venerates and respects above all others,” according to Brown, thus affording the monarch protection from Yankee contact.