Thursday, April 16, 2009

Tom Hanks Grows Third Arm for Upcoming Film

Tom Hanks’ publicist verified today what the paparazzi have been hinting at for weeks: The actor has grown a third arm. Speculation has been rampant since TMZ posted a blurry picture of the academy-award-winning actor with one arm around his wife, another arm holding bottled water, and a seeming third arm dialing a cell phone. Since then the actor has kept himself out of sight allowing rumors to swirl and swim until publicist Michelle Benson confirmed the news.

The report was announced on Tom’s official website by Benson and read: “Mr. Hanks has accepted a role in the upcoming film, ‘The Three-Armed Fool on the Hill,’ where he will play an idiot three-armed Congressman from Tennessee. In order to properly represent the part, Mr. Hanks is growing a third arm. Mr. Hanks asks that his dedication to his craft be respected and that recent intrusions into his private life be mitigated.”

Celebrity gossip outlet, US Weekly, has placed a $13 million prize on the first photo to clearly capture Hanks with all three of his upper extremities, and no less than 80 photographers are camping out around the actor’s home.

“This explains the sudden wardrobe consisting of nothing but trench coats,” says entertainment columnist Betty Tucker. “I think the last nine or ten times we have seen him, he has been dressed that way.”

Celebrity gossip photographers also concluded that the upswing in visits from Hanks’ personal trainer must be in order to get his newly acquired arm looking fit and trim for the cameras.

“I am sure growing a third arm is no easy business, even for an actor of Tom’s caliber,” explains gossip journalist, Amber Montevedev. “I bet it is as mentally strenuous as it is physically.”

Persons close to the actor are indicating that Hanks’ is still sore over losing the Oscar for his role in ‘Castaway.’ Co-star, Helen Hunt, said, “Tom really put himself through hell to gain and then lose all that weight for the movie. Nobody could have given more to their role that year than Tom did, and it is unconscionable for the Academy to have given the award to Crowe that year.”

Actress Meg Ryan, who has appeared with Hanks in several films, thinks that the actor needed a role that would be a shoe-in for him.

“Tom wants to act a gig where he knows he’s got the Oscar before he even appears on set,” said Ryan. “It looks like he may have found it and I’ll be so proud of him when he is holding his third Oscar in that third hand.”

Others fear that Hanks may be setting a terrible precedent for the industry.

“Please, for heaven’s sake just use what your mother gave you,” says housewife, Miriam Owens. “You don’t see others out there without their real bodies. You don’t see people with fake noses, breasts, hair, lips, and…and, well. No, I guess a third-arm is the next logical step in the progression, huh? Man! When will they hurry up and get me a picture of this?!”

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

China releases Human Rights plan for 2009-2010

The Chinese Government announced today that it had come to a resolution for its Human Rights agenda for the next two years. Officials in Beijing had been deliberating for months on the extent of rights, dignities and basic liberties it would grant its citizenry, and although many felt that a conclusion would never be reached, it appears that a compromise has been worked out.

“Pressure from outside organizations forced us to spend more time than normal going over our Human Rights agenda,” said Li Fong, a spokesman for the People’s Republic. “Honestly, it’s amazing how much power Amnesty International has over the UN, and even more amazing how much we heed the UN’s psychobabble. But our plan for the next two years should satisfy most and let us go about our way.”

Details of the plan include a 25% reduction in executions (with a provision that this number encompass executions involving non-criminal/surplus citizens). This represents a major victory for Human Rights groups who have been pushing the brutal nation to rid itself of capital punishment for quite some time.

“This is a wonderful victory, to be sure,” said Don Ngyuen, a representative of Amnesty International’s Asian wing. “We hope that in the next five years, we can guarantee the lives of all Chinese criminals—the murderers, the rapists, and especially the trade ministers exporting lead toys to the West.”

The victory for AI was, however, bittersweet, as measures had also been outlined in the agenda to increase the amount of torture victims by 30%. Furthermore, U2’s new CD was banned from all Chinese markets to suppress pop-democracy among the youth, and police were given authority to arrest and indefinitely imprison any citizen referencing the “grass-mud horse.”

“The affront to Bono is the biggest offense here,” said Ngyuen, “but we’ve got a counter-attack. I just got off the phone with Billy Joe from Green Day, and he said he’d start right away on an original and slanderous song against the Chinese government and we… wait… wait, I’m getting a text from Billy. Oh, wow. He’s done composing it. Hm.”

Other notable provisions that reflect a more tolerant stance towards human life include the overhaul of traditional Chinese restaurants to reflect the more palatable, non-disease-ridden Chinese buffets in America and the prohibition of recruiting female Olympic gymnasts within one hour of their delivery.

Monday, April 13, 2009


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Report: VP Biden Greatest Thing Since Thing After Sliced Bread

The American Sliced Bread Organization released a report today stating that Vice President Joe Biden is now third on the chart of things that are great. The ASBO is a philanthropist funded non-profit organization which has been cataloging things in order of greatness using sliced bread as its ultimate benchmark. The ASBO broke tradition by releasing a report in April; the organization usually only releases its report once a year in September. Today’s news of Biden’s meteoric rise up the charts seemed too important to sit on for another five months.

“Well, there is just no questioning it,” says Peter Lithgow, chairman of ASBO. “Every blessed feat the man has achieved puts him right up towards the top.”

Biden’s rise comes on the heals of unverified reports that the former Senator told former President Bush where to stick it while in a private meeting in the Oval Office. While none of Bush’s aids or staff even slightly remember any sort of said conversation taking places, the feat is nonetheless amazing. Other questionable achievements of the current VP include: multiple private meetings with President Bush, being shot at while in Iraq, and having his helicopter forced down by terrorists (weather) over the mountains in Afghanistan.

Even though the VP’s claims are either extravagant hyperbole or unverified claims, the ASBO has no qualms about setting him so high on the list.

“Fist on the list is sliced bread, of course,” says Lithgow. “Then you got the nacho cheese dispenser. The newcomer Joe Biden comes in third, and fourth is Pok√©mon.”

Biden leap-frogged other notables on the list such as ‘Mike Tyson’s Punchout’ and the safety pin. Many outside of the organization feel like the ASBO has taken too much for granted by placing Biden so high on the list.

“Really, you are going to tell me that Biden is greater than the self-heating ice cream scoop?” says Wisconsin resident, Archie Severson. “I mean the thing heats up all by its lonesome.”

Biden held a short press- conference after the report was released in order to add more self-aggrandizing events to his repertoire.

“Yeah I’m pretty great, as you can see,” the VP began. “Dude, I remember this one summer we grew tomatoes and Delaware hosted the state fair at my place because my tomatoes were so great. Also once I kicked Paul Bunyan right in his nuts and then challenged his ox to a grass eating contest. HA! I ate Babe under the table in about 48 hours.”

When asked how long it would take for Biden to claim the number one spot on the list the VP said, “Well, you have to give props where it is due. When I invented the nacho cheese dispenser I knew it would also be great and I don’t mind taking a back seat to it.”

President Obama twittered in response to the ASBO report that “Biden is the greatest idiot VP since the last idiot VP in office, hands down.”