Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Joe Jonas to be replaced by Axl Rose in upcoming Summer Tour

The fragile hearts of teenage and “tweeny”-aged girls were crushed today when Kevin Jonas Sr.—the boys’ father and manager—announced that lead singer Joe Jonas had swallowed a golf ball on a dare, damaging his vocal chords and sidelining the heartthrob for the upcoming summer tour. Although the absence of the beloved front man will hinder the tour, Jonas Sr. said it won’t cancel it, and that they found a replacement in Guns n’ Roses vocalist Axl Rose.

“Axl actually wasn’t our first choice,” Jonas said. “We tried to get Josh Groban, who respectfully declined. Then I tried to get Brad Paisley, who said he’d think about it and then drove to my house to punch me in the face for insulting him like that. In a panic, I called up Rose, and surprisingly he agreed to do it.”

Rose will bring a different edge to the pop-icon’s teen-girl oriented music, and despite having scared thousands of twelve-year-olds out of their minds after they YouTubed the singer to see how he’d look with their teen idols, he feels he’ll be ready by the beginning of the tour.

“My approach is simple,” Rose informed Seventeen magazine this morning. “I get really drunk, smoke a pack before the show, and scream my heart out. It worked in the 80’s and 90’s. It’ll work now. Oh, I’ll also call up Slash and insult his mother, just to get extra fired up.”

Rose said he has no intention of actually learning the songs for the tour, and will just follow the lead of the band.

As part of the agreement, Kevin Jonas Sr. said that the Jonas Bothers will perform a few G n’ R hits from their latest album during the lineup. However, guitarists Kevin Jr. and Nick Jonas aren’t too sure about performing the difficult solos of Ron Thal and Slash on stage.

“This is [bleep]ing impossible,” a visibly frustrated Nick Jonas said at a recent practice session. “I just learned a Dm7 chord, and that took months to get down. I can’t play this!”

All ticket sales for the tour now come with the disclaimer that the band is not responsible for the 40 year old women in acid wash jeans who take their shirts off during the performance.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Dozens killed, hundreds more injured on opening day of “Bike-to-Work Week”


Thousands of Americans across the nation traded in their car keys for their ten-speeds this morning in a joint effort with the League of American Bicyclists to ride their bikes to work this entire week. According to the LAB, May is National Bike Month, and it is hoped that this week long campaign will get more Americans hooked on the cost-saving, health-promoting benefits of taking their bicycles to work instead of their motor vehicles.

However, things did not turn out like anyone had anticipated.

Within the first 30 minutes of the morning commute on the east coast, reports of bicycle crashes and other related incidents began to flow into the police beat. Crowds of bikers mixed with motorized commuters proved to be a dangerous—and deadly—combination.

“We’ve treated thirteen heart attacks, four hernias and at least twenty torn hamstrings this morning alone,” said ER doctor Coy Henderson of Atlanta’s Saint Joseph Hospital. “I’ve never seen anything like this. To make matters worse, every single patient seems to be wearing a spandex outfit that is at least three sizes too small for them. We’ve had to put one of our orderlies on scissor sharpening duties just to keep up with all the clothing removal needed.”

Witnesses say it appeared that the majority of the “Bike-to-Work” cyclists simply had forgotten how to ride a bicycle.

“I saw one guy ride right over the edge of a cliff and into the ocean,” said Kevin DeMille of Seattle. “We were all riding downhill, and there was a somewhat tight curve. The man didn’t even attempt to turn. He just peddled himself into the drink and never resurfaced!”

“Oh, I’m not actually hurt,” whispered Frank Sorensen at a Salt Lake City hospital, “I just pooped my pants while peddling uphill and didn’t want to go into work or back home with that kind of shame. I faked chest pain to get in here and have a nurse clean me up. You’ll keep my name anonymous, won’t you?”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi commented recently that whereas this is a terrible tragedy, especially for those who died, it presents an opportunity for the greater good.

“As you know, unemployment is at its highest point since 1983,” Pelosi said. “So the more these cycling commuters are killed on the way to work, the more jobs will open up for the unemployed. Plus, it appears that it is the obese and out of shape that are dying, and they will be replaced by thin people who are lean because they’ve been unemployed and haven’t eaten for months. So this will in turn help change America’s fatty image.”

Experts anticipate that at least 400 people will be dead by the end of this week from biking to work.