Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Costco Now Only Accepting Silver Dollars Minted Before 1977

Bulk foods store, Costco, announced today a plan to increase the chain’s exclusivity/annoyance factor. The effort to both set its self apart from other stores and solidify its reputation as most annoying place on the face of the earth culminated in the store’s decision to only accept silver dollars minted before the year 1977 Anno Domini, The move only angered the customers who have not yet been completely brainwashed thru the various free samples offered in the store aisles.

“We want our customers to feel like they are special; like they are in a place unlike any other,” says store manager Troy Winfeld. “That is why we don’t accept the same trash other stores do. If we don’t keep our image we’ll end up just like a host of other successful stores.”

Kevin Southman came to the store today to buy 482 fl. oz. of ketchup but was turned away at the register because he forgot his silver dollars.

“I just pulled out my card and the cashier burned my face with her laser eyes,” says Kevin. “I mean, jeez! This card is accepted in every other place of business within a 2000 mile radius of this spot.”

Seventy-four year old, Edith Pederson, was seen breathing heavily making her way into the store from the parking lot. The extra weight of lugging hundreds of dollars worth of silver coins in her cart does not seem to have dampened her spirits any.

“It’s a little extra work but, you know, it keeps out the riff-raff,” says Edith. And I don’t have room for groceries in my cart anymore but that’s okay. Oh, excuse me. I have to go find that cute old man serving the clam chowder cups”

This new policy is beginning to push some people over the edge. Gus Hartvedt describes himself as a happy-go-lucky optimist. But when he steps inside a Costco he puts his wife on suicide watch duty.

“The soul crushing disparity under those halogen bulbs destroys my will to live,” says Gus. “I don’t know what is worse, the face that somebody decided to make a 15 pound jar of pickles, or that I always buy them.”

“The regular laws of human intuition do not apply inside of Costco,” says University of Virginia psychology professor, Lyle Gummot. “Nobody who is acting in their natural state of mind would buy 360 slices of synthetic cheese and pay for it with silver dollars. In fact, I think the whole Matrix movie franchise was thought up after a trip to Costco.”

In addition to its recent silver dollar manifesto, Costco is mulling restricting store ID’s to those who will tattoo “Kirkland” on their eyelids.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Ugly Duckling Not A Baby Swan But Actual Ugly Duck

The banks of the Iowa River near the campus of the University of Iowa in Iowa City, IA have long a been a popular spot to feed the ducks. Despite its already popular reputation, citizens and students have been flocking to the riverbank for a different reason. These come not to feed him, but to mock, point and laugh at one hideously ugly duckling.

Born just this spring, the duckling has been named Petrus by ill-wishers who come to throw bolts and batteries at the poorly favored waterfowl. Not only are humans quick to mock Petrus; his fellow ducks break into fits of laughter whenever he is around.

“There ain’t no swan in this story,” says humanities major, Brian Bitner. “That is just a bone-fide ugly duck.”

As a matter of fact, many of the river’s swans make it a point to peck the duckling in the face whenever they are nearby.

“No fairy tale here,” says Blanco, one of the river’s swans. “He’ll grow up to be the most disgusting duck in the history of duck-lore. He is a Darwinian mystery. Normally a duck like this would not survive but I am guessing he will just because he is so much fun to laugh at. His ugliness will be his bane, and his only hope.”

Even the duck’s own mother couldn’t offer any words of encouragement. “It is what it is,” she says. “I mean, you look up ugly in the dictionary and there is a picture of Philadelphia Phillies right fielder, Jason Werth. But then in the footnotes there is a picture of Petrus."

Long time duck feeder, Maye Abeford, says that it is not what’s on the outside that counts, but what’s on the inside. “And what’s on the inside are the ugliest duck guts you could ever find anywhere on all the face of this great earth,” she concludes.

One University of Iowa math professor has promised extra credit to any of his students who are able to quantify the duck’s ugliness in terms of a mathematical equation. University hospital residents have come across a new form of flesh-eating bacteria that they have named “Petrus” in honor of the duck.

The duck does bring a certain aspect of danger to the community. Eighteen people were admitted to intensive care for laughter related injuries when an equally ugly pug mauled the duckling last Friday.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Senator Robert Byrd diagnosed with “C. Montgomery Burnsism”

Senator Robert Byrd spent most of his weekend at the hospital after an infection caused him to spike a fever. The 91-year-old legislator from West Virginia has seen his fair share of illnesses during his long tenure on Capitol Hill, and many of his supporters are fearing that this could be the end of Byrd’s illustrious career. However, the senator’s doctors say these fears are not only unfounded, but at complete odds with their latest diagnosis.

“Mr. Byrd has what the medical world calls ‘C. Montgomery Burnsism,’” said Byrd’s lead medical advisor, Dr. Julius Hibbert. “Basically, the combination of Senator Byrd’s old age and deteriorating immune system has allowed every known communicable disease to enter his body. However, these diseases are all competing with each other for the chance to kill the man, thus neutralizing every illness within him.”

Doctors are saying that whereas the curmudgeonly politician walks a razor thin edge in regards to his health, they feel the competing diseases will likely allow the senator to have at least another quarter century of uninterrupted legislating.

“We are thrilled with this news,” said Byrd’s Chief of Staff Barbara Videnieks. “In recent decades, all we’ve needed to win an election in this state was a clean bill of health. Now we’ve got a green light for the next 25 years! We can coast for a bit now.”

Most West Virginians aren’t sure why they keep electing the aged Byrd back into office, but despite this, they don’t see any reason to look to anyone new to fill the seat.

“If you think about it, the fact that the man is still breathing means he’s at least meeting the status quo compared to other senators,” registered voter Matthew Davis told pollsters today. “He’s doing just as little for the nation as every one else on Capitol Hill, so why change things?”

Byrd is expected to return to his Senate seat next week, but was told by lead Democrats to take his time as they really have nothing pressing at the moment and won’t be getting around to anything new in the immediate future.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

University of Notre Dame to replace well-known mural with President Obama’s image

Following a series of controversies that had become a major embarrassment for the University of Notre Dame and left-leaning Catholics across the globe, the school’s president, Rev. John I. Jenkins, declared that the institution would make up for the ill behavior of its “crazy right-wing students” by replacing the famous Touchdown Jesus with Touchdown Obama. The move has already received praise by the White House as “a bold and profound statement of tolerance and bipartisanship.”

Protests had been taking place all week on the university’s campus regarding the President’s controversial visit. As a pro-choice advocate, many felt that Obama was simply not welcome at a school whose faith is opposed to the practice.

“It just isn’t right to have a baby killer give a speech at this distinguished university,” Notre Dame senior Eric O’Malley said during a protest, just moments before getting tazed. “Evil isn’t allowed here. Oh, except for Charlie Weiss, but we always let the football team skirt the rules.”

Much to the chagrin of Jenkins and others who favored Obama’s visit, the protesters continued to display their outrage, even during the President’s speech.

“We are very much aware of the unspoken ‘do-not-speak-ill-of-Obama’ rule that was instituted during the primary campaigns last year,” Jenkins told reporters. “I guess some of our student body chose to ignore that rule. So, in an effort to reestablish peace with the White House, we are going to paint Obama’s image on the Hesburgh Library. That should convey the message that we are not against our dear President, and will hopefully spare us his wrath.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President was delighted with the gesture and felt the offering was indeed worthy of earning favor with the White House.

“The President is a big time sports fan,” Gibbs told the press, “and Touchdown Obama will only add to the great collection of sports memorabilia he has acquired in his magnificent tenure. The President is sure that his image behind Notre Dame’s stadium will actually help the football team score some touchdowns this upcoming season.”

Many of the protesters from Sunday’s speech spent the night either in jail or in the hospital, recovering from “peace-keeping” actions from the police. Although they had been very disruptive both before and during the speech, President Obama did not harbor any hatred for them.

“I forgive them,” Obama said this morning, “for they know not what they do.”

Celebrity edition of Hell’s Kitchen canceled after one episode following spontaneous creation of Black Hole

Fans of the controversial Fox reality show, Hell’s Kitchen, are dealing with heartache tonight. Producers of the cooking-based contest, in which graduates of the Job Corps tolerate a verbal accosting by foul-mouthed British chef Gordon Ramsey in hopes of winning their own restaurant, had promised a celebrity version in which hot-headed stars with rampant tempers would compete for their favored charity. Sadly, the show had to be canceled after one recording session, as heated tempers amongst the contestants exploded, forming a new black hole in downtown Los Angeles.

Executive Producer Arthur Smith said that he had envisioned a wonderfully hostile show featuring some of the nation’s most notorious tantrum throwers. Inviting the likes of Christian Bale, Senator John McCain, the Gallagher Brothers from the pop-rock band Oasis and Chicago Cubs Manager Lou Panella, Smith had hoped for an expletive-ridden environment that Americans just wouldn’t be able to turn off.

“The idea looked really good on paper,” Smith said in the aftermath of the show. “And everyone was on board with it from the beginning. But within 10 minutes of filming the first kitchen scene, Chef Ramsey had blocked a camera shot of Christian Bale. A shouting match ensued… and it got really ugly, really fast.”

Eyewitness say that after Bale and Ramsey had sworn at each other for 13 minutes, Senator McCain threw himself into the fray, using choice words to voice his disapproval of their opposition to his immigration bill. Panella quickly came to the aid of Bale, and when Ramsey tried to eject him from the kitchen, the venerated manager found some sand and kicked it all over the Hell’s Kitchen welcome mat, effectively covering the mat and its logo entirely.

“The Gallagher brothers, however,” Smith explained, “refrained from joining the main fight and just beat each other senseless with pots and rolling pins.”

After tempers had raged for nearly two hours, the lights in the restaurant curiously began to wane, and energy seemed to be drawn towards the central point of the conflict. Physicist Stephen Hawking, a longtime fan of the show who was on sight per invitation by Ramsey, knew immediately what was happening.

“The enormous amounts of negative energy spewing forth from the group was countering the energy of the environment around them,” Hawking clarified. “I knew that it was only moments before this energy imploded on itself. Luckily, I recently had a V8 engine installed on my chair, so I quickly got the hell out of there.”

President Obama is expected to ask Congress for $800 billion in stimulus money to find a way to close the black hole before it destroys all of California.