Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sotomayor clarifies "white male" remark, cites Homer Simpson, Tim Taylor

Only moments after being nominated to fill the vacancy in the Supreme Court, Sonia Sotomayor is getting a lot of heat for a comment she made back in 2001. While addressing an Hispanic group at Berkley, Sotomayor said that she "would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experience would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life." Now the soon-to-be-first-Latina-on-the-bench is on the defensive.

"Look, first of all, that comment was made about eight years ago," Sotomayor told reporters. "At the time, I was watching a lot of Simpsons and Home Improvement to relax from my daily stresses, and let's be honest, those shows don't really highlight the intellectual aptitude of Whitey."

Sotomayor did point out that Homer Simpson himself had enjoyed a wealth of experiences beyond her own, but quickly claimed that if she had flown into space, commanded a nuclear submarine and won a Grammy--just as Mr. Simpson had--she would be able to draw crucial life lessons therefrom and be a better judge, instead of being a lazy, good-for-nothing power plant technician.

"The same goes for the Tool Man," Sotomayor continued. "I mean, how many times do you have to have a weed whacker engine blow up in your face before you realize that you probably shouldn't tweak things like that? It's for things like this that I feel that a Latina could do a better job. Of course, I've met some stellar white men since then, like Joe Biden, so there's some room for exception."

Jorge Martinez, who was present at the 2001 Berkley conference where the controversial comment was made, said that the gaffe shouldn't be taken seriously at all.

"The phrase is completely out of context," he said. "You see, we were all high at that conference. No, not because we're Hispanic. Why on earth would you make that generalization? No, it's because we were students at Berkley, and Berkley students are perpetually high. Sonia also laughed for 30 minutes at a butterfly, but nobody is whining about that. Let's just drop it, okay?"

Regardless of all the stupid things Sotomayor had said and done in her past, Congress is expected to confirm her nomination after a series of charades and shenanigans that make it appear that they are truly trying to grill the judicial candidate.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Obama Calls Giant Robot Destroying Chicago a ‘Grave Threat’

Mark Dunlop dove to the ground for cover as a giant 75 foot robot destroyed the apartment complex he had been living in. Getting up, covered in dust and debris, Mark grabbed his family and ran down the road further south away from danger. Chicago has been under siege for two days and hundreds of thousands of residents have fled the area. After much deliberation and review, the Obama administration has come out with a statement about the situation.

Standing at the podium with a handful of papers the president explained to the gathered press that the administration views the giant killer robot as a “grave threat.” The president then began to step down from the podium at which point journalist Debbie Newsome stood up and asked the president for further clarification.

Reluctantly the president retook his stand at the podium and repeated the administrations stance on the situation.

“Soooo, what are we going to do about it?” asked Newsome.

The president furled his brow, clearly perplexed by Mrs. Newsome’s confusing logic. “What do you mean? I just told you what are doing. We are unmistakably labeling the robot as a threat. We labeled any and all killer robots a threat five months ago and our stance has not changed. Can you believe this thing is just violating all sorts of UN Security Council agreements?”

“But why didn’t we do anything five months ago to prevent this current situation?” asked a persistent Mrs. Newsome.

“We did do something. We labeled it a threat,” replied the flabbergasted president.

“So why is a killer giant death robot destroying Chicago?” responded Mrs. Newsome.

“A killer robot is destroying my hometown because they are threats and that’s what threats do,” explained the president very slowly so that Mrs. Newsome could better understand him.

“It is the same thing as North Korea,” continued the president. “We have labeled them as a threat too. Soon enough a devastating nuclear tragedy will befall the United States and we will say, ‘Told you they were a threat. We called it.’ And then I will be vindicated as great.”

In related news, democrats in Congress voted today to label everything under the sun as a threat so that if anything ever happens they will not have been wrong about it.